Y’all who are following my facebook page (which is all of y’all, right???) know that I love Christmas music. In fact, I love most Christmas music. But not all Christmas music. There’s always that song (or songs) that make you groan when they come on the radio and you just have to turn it because oh my gosh who thought this was a good idea.
Please say it’s not just me.
Now, I realize that putting some of these on this list will lose me some “Good Will to All Men” points, but really, these just need to die in a fire.
In no particular order, here are 5 Christmas Songs I just can’t handle listening to:
- Grown Up Christmas List
I don’t care if it’s Amy Grant. I don’t care if it’s Kelly Clarkson. Or anyone. It’s just a sad, annoying song. I could use some really pretzel-logic theology and justify it by saying that her “grown-up Christmas list” is actually a coded reference to Heaven – no more war, pain, sadness, brokenness, loneliness, etc. And so it’s encouraging people to hope for Heaven, so Jesus, so Christmas, or something.
But, of course, that’s not what the song says. And not what it means. It’s just a sappy song that feels good to sing (I mean vocally, it’s pleasant to sing) but meh.
- Hard Candy Christmas
This is one of those songs that gets on the rotation, but other than the word “Christmas” in the title, I see no reason why. It doesn’t really have anything to do with Christmas. Doesn’t even vaguely reference Santa or world peace. Y’all know I love Dolly, but this one gets a hard pass from me.
And what’s wrong with hard candy, anyway? Life Savers FTW.
- Happy Xmas
Hippy crap has no place at Christmas. This is hippy crap.
Not on my lawn. Not on my Christmas.
- Christmas Shoes
Ugh. Ugh. Blah. Ugh. It’s like those creepy viral voyeur videos – “Watch to see a mother rock her dead baby and cry her eyes out.” It’s just wrong.
I even tried listening to the first minute or so just to pull something from the lyrics, but I can’t even. STAHHHHHHP
- Do They Know It’s Christmas
I get that it’s catchy, and Sting is mixed in there somewhere, but it was a fundraiser 30 years ago, and says there “won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas.” Of course, Africa isn’t just one big country, and the countries that do get snow, get it during their winter months, which are during our summer months. So, technically, there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas. Because it’s summer. Not because Africans can’t afford snow. Or something.
For a thorough (and deserved) thrashing of this song and the people who made it, The Federalist had a great piece on the history of this song here.
That’s the short list. And the worst part about these songs is that, once you hear them, they get stuck in your head for days.
Sorry about that.