September 19, 2011

What's Been Going On

The post you've all been waiting for. Well, probably not. But now I'm ready to fill in some gaps that have been floating around for a while. This may bounce around a little but it's necessary to get the whole picture. Don't worry if you get lost and give up. I won't be offended. This is, as always, mostly to help me organize my own thoughts.

If you have been following me for any length of time, you know that since the spring, I have been training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I've never been interested in running or racing, so I knew in order for me to really want to exercise, I needed huge motivation. Nothing motivates me like Disney! And we're due for a Disney trip anyway. So, the Princess Half was chosen, and training began.

It consumed me. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep. During the day, if I wasn't at the gym, I was online researching training advice, the track, finding other blogs and pictures and anything at all to stay immersed in the goal.

When we went home for summer leave, we told people about the race and my training. Well, mostly SoldierMan did. I'm superstitious. It's bad, but part of me definitely believes that once I give voice to a goal to anyone but myself (and SoldierMan, sometimes) it's jinxed. Telling people face-to-face is different than recording it on here. I don't know why, but it is. But, I tried to shake off my apprehension and appreciate the encouragement I received.

Soon after we got back, I had a doctor's appointment. It was just a visit to refill a prescription, nothing big. I thought. I wound up seeing a doc other than my PCM. And he saw that my blood pressure was a little high. It was higher than normal, but I have had a little pre-hypertension for a while. It's apparently gotten worse. I told him my PCM at Benning thought it was no big deal. ("Blew me off" would actually be more accurate...but whatev.) He said he wanted to put me on BP medication. Big, huge, primary red flags went off in my head.

I have dreaded the idea of BP meds for a long time. Primarily because once you go on them, you can never.go.off. It's not like you take them for a while until things get better and then taper off. Your body becomes dependent on them. So that was one thing. But the other is that most BP meds work by inhibiting your heart rate - basically making it impossible to exercise, since your heart rate can't go much above resting. So, I told him that was not an option. After all, I've got a race to train for. He agreed and decided to give me a referral to cardiology. I made an appointment and waited.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a rather cryptic post alluding to a less-than ideal situation. The day before, I reported, I finally ran my first fairly comfortable mile. I came home on a high. SoldierMan came home and we were both pretty excited. My first real milestone. I left for a squadron spouse coffee bouncing on my heels.

While there, we were given the squadron training calendar for the next 18 months. Immediately, I searched for Marathon Weekend. We knew there was a possibility SoldierMan would be out of the state for a major training exercise during that time, but we tried to be optimistic and pretend it wouldn't be a problem.

And it turned out, SoldierMan was going to be gone. We couldn't go to Disney.

I couldn't do my race.

I held it together pretty well during the meeting, but I was crushed. For all my big talk, there was no way I was going without SoldierMan. I knew that immediately. We were going to run our first half-marathons together.

It was over.

It threw me into a major funk - depression wouldn't be an exaggeration - for several days. That probably sounds silly to y'all. But this had been my life, almost my whole life, for weeks. Months.

There was more than that, of course. Even though I'd been fighting the baby bug for over a year, it just was never the "right time." So, to distract myself, I decided that I would focus on running this race. It helped some. It distracted me through a long spring and summer of baby announcements, including a rough few weeks where I literally heard one twice a week. That period alone I can blame for not losing any weight. But it was okay, I told myself. I'm not just doing nothing. I'm postponing for this race.

Not for running. For this race.

It felt like a double-loss. Not only did it seem like I just wasted four months of misery on pointless training, but I missed the "safe" getting-pregnant window - and by "safe," I mean allowing for going through a high-risk pregnancy, delivery and post-partum before SoldierMan deploys. That was the hardest part.

I feel the need to add, because I know many of you read this blog, I am genuinely and sincerely rejoicing for every one of my friends who have been blessed with a growing family recently.

All 37 of you.

*kidding, kidding*

Anyway, I took some time off. Off from running, planning, just thinking about where I was and what I was really wanting to accomplish, what I wanted my life to look like for the next couple of years. And to contemplate my upcoming appointment with Cardiology.

In the meantime, we went back to Oklahoma for my grandma's funeral. Which prompted more reflection. Funerals do that, I think. At the end, SoldierMan asked me if I was still going to run. He'd been asking me that for a while but it wasn't settled in my mind.

Meanwhile, I had my appointment with Cardiology last week. Followed by half a dozen tests spread over a few days. There's nothing definite to report there, and I hesitate to comment on any of the possibles since doctors (particularly cardiologists) like to say this could end up anywhere from "getting more sleep" to "open heart surgery." So until I know more, I'm not really considering one outcome as any more likely than the other. It's easier for me that way.

Hopefully I'll have more info soon. But in the meantime, suffice it to say that it looks like I can't make any long-term plans until I meet with the cardiologist again.

Yes, I am still going to run. Even though I haven't lost any weight, my blood pressure hasn't gone down and I now have no race dangling in front of me like a carrot, I'm going to run. I'm not planning on doing a race at this point. The Princess Half for next year is out. So is the following year, since SoldierMan will be deployed and we want to run it together. After that, we'll see.

Probably someone will want to comment and encourage me to just pick a different race and go for that. And I know it'll be well-intentioned. But again, I don't really care about racing per se. I am not even thinking about that right now.

It's been a crazy few weeks around here. My book completely fell off the radar during all this as well. So I'm working on digging back into that since I'm way behind schedule.

If you're still here and have any questions, I'll do my best to answer them (via reply-to comment, of course, so be sure that's set) but I don't really know much beyond what I've posted. Hopefully I'll have more to report soon.

As a reward for making it all the way to the end, here's a special reminder that I'm posting a giveaway tomorrow....a food-related giveaway. Be sure and check back bright and early!

17 comments:

  1. Oh lady... that's a lot to take in all at once! I hope the cardiologist figures something out (something positive would be nice). Hopefully you get your "mojo" back =]

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  2. Wow, that's is a lot to happen at once. I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now, but I do know there is nothing more discouraging than feeling like you are playing a waiting game with life. Just try to keep reminding yourself His timing is perfect, even if is doesn't seem that way right now. Keep us updated about what is going on, hopefully things will turn around sooner than later!

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  3. Wow...that's a lot to be on your plate at one time. I wondered where you'd been lately, but I know sometimes everyone needs a break from blogging, so I attributed it to that.

    I'm sorry you're going through all this right now and it just plain sucks that after all your hard work you won't be able to run the race. I know I'd be more than just upset about that. I can sympathize with you on the baby business though. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant right now and I really want to be too, but with us moving back to the States sometime in the near future, it's just not great timing for us.

    Thinking of you!

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  4. With full sincerity, I can say that I HAVE been waiting for this post. So there. :)

    And, frankly, I know exactly the pain of choosing to focus on something else to distract from the baby bug. I used my first race the same way, and even though I did "run" it, it went horribly and I totally fell of the running wagon for months.

    I want you to know that I DO understand some of what you're doing through, and the anxiety of trying to "plan" some of these big things knowing the Army could screw them up at any moment. But I also want you to know that I understand your situation is different and I'll be praying for the details to be worked out, too.

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  5. *hugs*

    I feel you.

    I'm aiming for the Disney Wine and Dine next Oct and setting it up as a vacation with my parents because there is just NO WAY I can count on my husband being there. Right now, it shouldn't be a problem, but I've already had to delay some major goals because of his schedule and I just couldn't do this one. I just got back on a regular running schedule. I hope you get answers with the Cardio situation soon- that's a heavy load to have hanging over your head.

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  6. Oh wow! That is a lot to deal with at once. I hope you get answers soon and you get back on track with your book. Thoughts and prayers your way!!

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  7. I know that any constructive, well-intentioned advice is unnecessary, instead I am sending you a lot of BIG air-hugs. And some prayers.

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  8. It seems that when it rains it pours, eh? I have never experienced any of the things you mentioned but I do understand [to an extent] the feelings you're going through. I'm sorry that all that is happening to you. It really stinks when you get really excited about something and it's all shot to pot. I hope things start looking up! :)

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  9. Sorry your race plans aren't working out how you planned, I know that's disappointing. I hope things settle down for you soon and you get good news from the cardiologist!

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  10. Sorry you've been going through so much! Hope everything starts looking up soon!

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  11. I'm sorry bud! I knew the majority of this already and have been keeping you in my prayers. I'm so very sorry for constantly bringing up the pressure towards SoldierMan about having a baby. I didn't realize the extent to the situation. Like Jordan said above, it's going to happen on God's time, it's going to be a sweet sweet reward for waiting, and you two are going to be wonderful parents!
    xoxoxo

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  12. so very sorry...that is a lot to handle. :(
    praying that results come back soon for you. hang in there :)

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  13. I'm sorry! That's so much to handle at once! I hope you hear good news from the cardiologist. Big hugs and prayers!

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  14. "All 37 of you." LOL. Sorry, sweetie. I know how that feels. And it's tough to handle even if it's not the right time for you. I hate that you had to postpone the race and pregnancy...and everything. I hope they figure out what's going on with your BP and heart soon. I know that's frustrating. How long do you have before he deploys?

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  15. Oh wow...I'm glad I kept reading through your posts I was behind on. I'm so sorry that you were hit with all that in such a short time. You are doing amazing things with your time and energy, and I hope you hear good things from the cardiologist.

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  16. Disappointment is the worst, nothing wrong with being anything less than upset in your situation. I had a disappointing situation arise for myself this summer and it was so hard to hear people say, "that's the Army for you" when I already knew that but couldn't help but being sad about it. Hoping for better times ahead for you!

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  17. That is a lot all at once. Praying for you sweetie!

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