April 14, 2010

No title

Remember on Sunday what I said about self-censorship?

Well, I'm about to break that.

You know this whole process - joining, moving, moving in with my family - it's all been pretty stressful. Not just on me, but on my family, too. Not many people, even in my extended family, have moved away. In fact, I've got something over 50 family members in central OK, and more nearby. So me moving away is really hitting them hard. Me too, honestly.

But I've had a year now to process it. And six months of it becoming a reality, step-by-step. SoldierMan leaving and living alone. Packing the house. Selling the house. Moving in with my parents. BCT graduation. Visiting Columbus. Step-by-step this has become real. And while I'm sad to be leaving, I'm looking forward to moving on.

None of this will sound unusual to you. Most of you have already done this, and many of you multiple times. But it's still very new to us. I'm made peace with it. And frankly, knowing I'm leaving to be with SoldierMan...makes it easier. understatement of the year

However, my parents are having a harder time with it. I won't go into details. But it's hard. And it's tangible. And it makes living here challenging sometimes. I'm really trying not to be overly dramatic here. And I'm not trying to downplay what they're going through, I'm not. But sometimes it makes me feel guilty for being happy about all this.

Anyway, this week especially, my mom has been really emotional. There have been some...moments. And last night I went downstairs after she had gotten home from church. She was sitting in the kitchen, staring out the window, crying. She only responded to my questions in one word answers. Honestly, after the last few days, I couldn't handle it. I gave up and went upstairs. Later, through the evening, she changed rooms, but not positions.

And it made me upset. Like, mad. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. It's not fair. I'm just moving. To a place I'm really excited about. For a good reason. And instead of being happy for me, she's acting like someone's dying.

So I stayed upstairs until I could be fairly certain she had gone to bed. I just didn't want to deal with anything else right now. When I finally went down, only my dad was still up. I was still worked up. And so I asked him, mainly to verify what I already suspected, why Mom was so upset.

The answer wasn't what I expected. It had to do with my cousin.

I have a cousin who is my mom's age. They grew up together, went to school together, all that, even though technically he's her nephew. Recently, very recently, he was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Terminal. It's some weird, rare Japanese form of stomach cancer the doctors say they've never even seen in Oklahoma before. Apparently, we just found out he's in his last hours. And someone at church tonight, for whatever reason, decided to tell my mom or someone within earshot of someone in their family who died the other day from cancer. And it brought up all these emotions for her regarding my cousin. And that's why she was upset.

I felt like a jerk. To put it mildly. This had nothing to do with me. But I was making it about me because all I've been thinking about for a while now is me.

So this is my public mea culpa. From today forward, I'm going to be more outward-focused. Spending time with my family even when their idiosyncrasies get annoying. Spend more time focus in prayer for other people, instead of myself. Try and invest in other people here while I still can.

Please pray for my cousin. He doesn't have much time left and he's not a believer, to our knowledge. He's a very private person and hasn't seemed to want much family interaction throughout this, as is his nature.

21 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a really powerful post. And believe me, I can really understand the pressures that were causing you to look inwards. And it takes a lot to admit the mea culpa and I really respect that.

    Your cousin is in my thoughts, as is your mom.

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  2. Wow, I am so sorry. I will be saying a prayer.

    I'm sure your mom is dealing with a lot of emotions about you moving away, and then your cousin's health is probably just the icing on the cake for her. She's probably emotionally drained, and rightfully so. If she keeps the waterworks going, and you realize it is about you, I would just sit her down and tell her how you feel, how its tough for you too, but how excited you are.

    Again, sorry for your cousin.

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  3. Well, that was a punch in the gut. I'll be praying for you and your family. And it. Is probably both things wearing her down. She could probably handle one of those life events better if they weren't happening at the same time.

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  4. Your family are in my prayers xoxo

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  5. Here's finally MY chance to tell you to remember that God is in control. We went through the exact thing (in BOTH instances). The friend with the extremely rare stomach cancer --- and the move away from the tight knit family. Your parents sound EXACTLY like mine. They would tear up every time they talked to me that entire year but I knew we HAD to move as it was what my husband needed job-wise and they just wanted me to choose the family over him - and that 'aint happenin. Looking back, it was the worst year of my life... but... by far the BEST thing for my life. It made Tony and I SO much closer and helped us to rely more on each other and God vs. the comfort of my family. And my relationship with my parents is now so much more intimate as well as they don't take me as much foregranted. His plan is perfect, His plan is perfect.... I'm repeating that 24/7 it seems.

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  6. yikes, that's terrible:O(
    will be keeping your cousin in prayer, as well as your mom. hopefully she will get a chance to have a good conversation with him.
    good job taking away from this the lesson of outward focus, it' really hard when you have so much new going on! Don't be to hard on yourself though, some times momma's *are* like that and you want to shake em! :O)

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  7. That's awful about your cousin. I wish there was something they could do.

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  8. Oh my, sorry. Sending out some prayers for your cousin, you and your family.

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  9. I'm pretty sure that you *are* at least *part* of the reason that your mom is upset. No parent takes their child moving away easily (well, no one I've ever seen). I wouldn't have thought to ask her either, if I were you, and probably would have behaved in the exact same way (then of course felt badly later).

    Having said that, I think it goes without saying that your cousin is in my thoughts and prayers, as is your mother, as are you, along with the rest of your family, as they go through this difficult time in life.

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  10. Boy, oh boy, does moving bring out the emotional side of people. I"m sure your mom was/is extremely upset over your cousin, but it's probably even more intensified by the fact that you're leaving.

    Leaving home—your family, friends, and everything you've ever known and loved—is extremely hard, even when you know you're moving for the right reasons.

    You will cry. Your mom will cry. And you'll probably even see your dad cry. But it'll get easier and in some ways you'll probably even be closer to your parents once you've moved.

    My thoughts and prayers are with your cousin (and you and your family).

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  11. I left you something on my blog :) <3

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  12. Oh, that stinks about your cousin. =( I'll be keeping him in my prayers.

    I totally know how you feel about your mom and the rest of your family with you moving. My family went through the same thing when Joe and I moved to NC right after we got married. It was a very rough 6 months, let me tell you. My grandparents were the worst. Scratch that, still are. Almost every time I talk to them it's "we wish you were closer," "Why'd do move so far away?" Sooo irritating. And then they wonder why I don't call. *sigh*

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  13. 1) I am very sorry about all the difficulties this move is causing you. It does suck to move and the important thing to remind your family is that you will keep in contact and you are still a plane ride, car ride, or train ride away.

    2) This was a very powerful and inspiring post. This is a great thing to live by, to be more outwardly looking and selfless... It is hard to do but I am sure yo can do it.

    3) I am so very sorry to hear about your cousin and he will be in my thoughts.

    :)

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  14. I will keep your cousin in my prayers.

    Moving around like we have to do can be very difficult.

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  15. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin.

    Working on being more understanding/outwardly focused is definitely something I need to do, so thanks for the reminder. There's a saying I absolutely love from Elder Marvin J Ashton that goes like this:
    "If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care."

    Much easier said than done, but I absolutely love it. Anyways, thanks for the thoughts. I wasn't trying to be preachy, I just love the quote, wanted to share :) I loved this post.

    PS: You have a little something on my blog.

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  16. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry about your cousin. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  17. So sorry to hear about your cousin. I'll keep him and your family in my prayers.

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  18. Saying some prayers for you and your family (especially your cousin!). I can understand why you would have felt the way you did, but am glad that you are trying to focus on spending time with your family now.

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  19. Just now reading your post and girl, I'm sorry to hear about the family stress!! You are so right that PCSing is stressful enough, but to have the added stress of your family being less-than-happy for you is heart-wrenching, no doubt.

    I hope things calm down and that your move is smooooooth!

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  20. I will definitely say a prayer for your family.

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